I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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