he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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