Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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