she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
