My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
