His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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