I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
