I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
whose ass print is on the piano?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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