Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
