I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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