so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Pants are for mortals
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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