no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
