she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
