we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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