Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
