I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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