If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Fuck appropriateness.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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