My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
