I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
