so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
