I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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