I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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