I'm lost and stupid without you.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
