Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
