i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
