We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
