hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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