Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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