Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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