I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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