i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
