Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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