There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
