Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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