I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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