Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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