I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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