I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
