I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
