Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
