On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
