too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
