sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
