Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
