also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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