I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
