Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
