is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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