I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
