I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
