I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
In other news, I just burned my penis
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
